Really Listening to Adolescents and Working Through Communication Breakdowns

By Devin Harkness, Professtional School Counselor

 

        Adolescence is often just as challenging for parents as it is for kids. One of the most challenging aspects for parents and their adolescent children is finding a way to have open communication. The term, 'young adult' is more descriptive of this time of personal exploration and growth, when parents often find themselves wondering just where limits should be set. It is typical for kids eneteing their teen years to crave more and more independence, responsibility, and freedom, and to test the limits of that freedom. This often feels like pushing boundaries, and sometimes feels like open rebellion. Parents often struggle to set developmentally appropriate limits, negotiate boundaries, and keep their children safe and happy. Adolescents often seem to have their own agendas, regardless of what others may think is best. They in fact do have critical, developmental, tasks and needs that come with this stage of growing up. These include the need for independence, the need to make important life decisions, the need to feel in control over their situation, and the need for a structured environment in which it is okay to screw up and learn from his or her mistakes.

 

        Socially, adolescence can often be the most trying time of a person's life. The need to fit in with social groups is never stronger. Adolescents are treated like children by society, but are also expected to act like adults. It is confusing to say the least, the feeling of being caught between the dependent world of childhood, and independent world of adulthood, feeling like they don't quite fit into into either. Adolescents can sometimes seem oblivious to what others think, and other times seem hyper-aware. They crave respect, and they crave people who are willing to just listen to them without judgement. 

 

        When you want to have a "serious" conversation, give your adolescent advanced notice so he or she can have time to mentally prepare. Schedule a time when you can sit down and just listen to what she is experiencing. Some conversations are hard to open up because of previous patterns of communication. These patterns can become expectations for how things will go. This can cause defensiveness, which can cause a person to shut down and not want to talk at all. Planning ahead for a time to have a conversation lets her prepare herself for it so that all parties can be as ready and as calm as possible. Saying something to the effect of, "I feel like I want to be a better listener for you. Can we schedule a time to talk about some of the thoughts and feelings you have been having?"

 

To begin the conversation, you can sit down and start with something like "I have noticed you seem like you don't feel like talking to me about certain things. Is that true? I would like to know how I can be a better listener for you." 

 

        After that, it is time to listen in a way that makes her feel like she can open up. It is often helpful at first to just focus on the child and what he or she is experiencing without talking about your own experiences, feelings, etc. How does one do this? Here are a few ideas.

 

• Reassure your child that you just want to listen so that you can better understand how he or she is feeling. 

 

• Do your best to not take things personally. This is not about you. What seems like an attack is usually just an adolescent expressing a need. [Example: Kid: You are too strict. Parent: It sounds like the limits I am setting aren't working for you. Am I hearing you right?]

 

• Refrain from expressing judgement or evaluation of child's feelings, choices. Here are some examples of non-evaluative statements: "Yeah, I understand," or, "I hear what you are saying." Sometimes even a silent nod of the head can feel very validating.

 

• Do your best to not react emotionally to what he or she says. A certain look, a gesture, a sigh, or any sign of frustration from an adult can be perceived as judgement and can lead quickly to a shutdown. 

 

• When you are in the mode of just listening, refrain from talking about your own experiences, thoughts, feelings, expectations, beliefs, and experiences. 

 

• Let the adolescent do most of the talking. If they ask you to explain something, try to keep it focused on them. [It seems like you really want some explanations about things, and I can definitely understand that. It's hard when you don't understand why things are the way they are.]

 

• Don't try to teach them anything, or to try to get them to understand anything.

 

• Keep this conversation simple and focused on the feelings of the child. You are here to listen, and to try to understand. That's it. Save the advice for another time. 

 

• Ask them how your communication can be better. [What can I do to improve my communication with you? Does the way I talk to you bother you sometimes? What are things I can do to be a good listener for you?]

 

• Listen to what is not being said. [I noticed that you haven't talked about the divorce. Is it painful for you to talk about that?]

 

Go easy on yourself. You are experiencing one of the most difficult life stages of parenthood: surviving the adolescent years. Just as your child will make mistakes, so too will you have moments when you look back and wonder, 'what was I thinkning?' Know that you are doing the best you can with what you have, and that if you are struggling, you are not alone.

 

For more information on communicating with adolescents, check out this article:

http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/help/adolescence/part6.html

 

Please ask me if you are interested in learning about parenting classes, workshops, or other resources.